If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
