for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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