I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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