worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
