I hate your face
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
