Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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