Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
