I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
