She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
