ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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