im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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