there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
sex in a hospital.. check
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
