I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
