I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.