How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Sex with a fat chick.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.