People with herpes should wear stickers.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
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