Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
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Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
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She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski