if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.