I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity