My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...