I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
