i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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