is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
