I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
