Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook