I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
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Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
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Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?