I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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