i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
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btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
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It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys