remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Stone age, man.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.