hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
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dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
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There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.