guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
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