Texts From Last Night

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  (516): View more from New York

  I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.

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  (516): I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen. http://tfl.nu/vaik
  Replies (13) Good night (1577) Bad night (3901)
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  (858): View more from California

  Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.

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  (858): Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show. http://tfl.nu/suqh
  Replies (31) Good night (1479) Bad night (4736)
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.

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  (912): She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious. http://tfl.nu/k9y8
  Replies (15) Good night (1134) Bad night (4398)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.

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  (404): We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning. http://tfl.nu/65kx
  Replies (4) Good night (3322) Bad night (931)
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.

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  (678): Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina. http://tfl.nu/qhn3
  Replies (11) Good night (834) Bad night (3673)
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.

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  (443): Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER. http://tfl.nu/iqvs
  Replies (4) Good night (5134) Bad night (983)
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP

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  (630): This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP http://tfl.nu/camw
  Replies (11) Good night (5117) Bad night (1613)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.

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  (314): You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head. http://tfl.nu/as38
  Replies (29) Good night (2161) Bad night (1423)
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.

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  (419): Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in. http://tfl.nu/ss55
  Replies (14) Good night (1668) Bad night (815)
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.

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  (216): I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick. http://tfl.nu/pduu
  Replies (9) Good night (652) Bad night (1881)
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  (619): View more from California

  You in for a dick vacation?

  (1-619): View more from California

  YES, even though I have no idea what that means

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  (619): You in for a dick vacation? (1-619): YES, even though I have no idea what that means http://tfl.nu/ak79
  Replies (4) Good night (793) Bad night (321)
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  My life hurts

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake

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  (615): My life hurts (615): I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake http://tfl.nu/1mlr
  Replies (2) Good night (306) Bad night (455)
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"

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  (425): I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours" http://tfl.nu/sls8
  Replies (3) Good night (973) Bad night (329)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk

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  (603): Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk http://tfl.nu/gis5
  Replies (4) Good night (360) Bad night (212)
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.

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  (928): I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up. http://tfl.nu/aje2
  Replies (2) Good night (211) Bad night (233)

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