Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
