Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
