Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
