Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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