my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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