How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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