I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I puked a lego.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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