Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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