I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
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Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
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I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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