Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I fill condoms, not promises.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
