you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
