If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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