Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
