Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
