Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
