Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
