Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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