So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
