The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
