Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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