Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
