my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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