can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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