I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
