dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
the day after is always just damage control
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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