Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
