I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
