i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
