Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
