i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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