Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
