i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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