I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
