well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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