I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
