im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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