My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
