At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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